"Fuck the Stewards
A trip to Lourdes
Might give the old fuckers the power of sight..."

The Pogues, "Bottle of Smoke"

Years ago, my dad had a seat on the local school board during an especially contentious time. The district superintendent had displayed gross incompetence during his administration, and my father's mission at the time was to get the guy removed from office. Part of his plan included getting like-minded people elected to the board so that when the Big Vote came down, it would go the right way.

Some folks in town had a different take and supported the school chief. They knew my dad had a lot of support, and, in a desperate moment, they decided to write up a smear sheet about him and distrubute it to every house in town. They thought this scurrilous letter, which likened my dad to Hitler, asserted that because he lived in a housing project and hence paid no school taxes he had no right to any say about anything the school district did, and insisted that any school board candidate on "his side" was just a "mouthpiece", would sway public opinion their way.

The letter blew up in their faces like a shit-bomb. The fair-minded people of my hometown turned out in record numbers for that year's election and voted in every and all candidates endorsed by my dad, and, within months, the bumbling super found himself on the unemployment line, where he belonged. Our phone rang off the hook for days with calls from people whowanted my mom and dad to know just how despicable they thought the letter was.

But the story's ending was only half good; the whole incident induced a tremendous amount of stress on my parents, especially my mother, who had a miscarriage while this fiasco played out around town and in the local press.

I thought of all this over the past few days when perusing the media coverage of the Kentucky Derby Buzzer Clusterfuck, specifically when reading the stories on the effect all this had on the family of jockey Jose Santos, who, as you probably know, was accused, in a case of spectacularly bad journalism by the Miami Herald, of carrying an illegal aid while riding Funny Cide to victory in this year's Run for the Roses.

Santos was cleared of any wrongdoing by the Churchill Downs stewards, but not before he, his wife, and his five children were put through the proverbial wringer, all for absolutely no good reason. Santos called the whole affair "a nightmare", and for good reason; he was taunted by railbirds at the track, and his wife and kids basically had to stay in the house for three days because the parents didn't want to subject the young 'uns to merciless ridicule.

So...who's to blame for this mess ? Well, dig in, people; there's plenty of blame to dish out.

First, the newspaper. Last Thursday, a photographer sent them a picture of Santos and Funny Cide crossing the finish line. The photgrapher thought the picture showed Santos had something besides his whip in his hand. Like, maybe, a "buzzer", an electrical device which might be pressed against a horse to make it run faster. The Herald then turned the photo over to the stewards at Churchill Downs, and told the stewards they wouldn't do anything with it until they had a chance to investigate further.

But someone down at the Herald saw a chance to sell some papers and gain some national prominence, and they decided to go back on their word to the stewards and run a story. They had a writer named Frank Carlson, I believe, get to work on a piece.

Carlson called Santos while he sat in the jockey's room before Friday's races and conducted a thorough, probing, conversation with the rider, a talk which both parties later said lasted "twenty-five or thirty seconds." The writer asked Santos if he'd carried anything besides a whip when he rode. Santos, a native of Chile, replied, in his heavily accented English, that he wore a q-ray for arthritis, which he has in his left wrist. The writer interpreted this as a "cue ring for the outriders", and told Santos that they had a suspicious looking photo from the race; Santos got angry and clicked the off button on his cell phone.

The paper then decided to put the story on the front page of the Saturday, despite not bothering, among other things, to blow up the picture sufficiently to determine clearly whether or not the image in the area of Santos's hand was a shadow or some such thing. The article had about as much documentation as you'd expect from a semi-literate tenth grader trying to bang out a ten page term paper the night before it was due.

The story spread like wildfire, and in fact, NBC Nightly News led with it on Saturday night. Part of the reason the story gained so much traction so quickly - besides the fact the everyone loves a good controversy - was that one of the Churchill Downs stewards, Rick Leigh, inexplicably provided the following quote to the Herald : "it looks very suspicious." And another steward, Bernie Hettel, said, "I don't care what Santos has to say, the picture is worth a thousand words at this point."

Good work, boys. Don't let the fact that you're both members of a body charged with impartially judging all the facts and evidence of the case before rendering a decision stop you from gettin' a lil' quality face time in the media ! Just go ahead and get yourselves Out There ! Could be a big career boost, after all, or, at least, a little ego-stroke.

As you all probably know already, those same stewards exonerated Santos, due to a preponderance of evidence that he did nothing wrong. You shoulda seen the way the stewards and the rest of the Churchill Downs management bent over backwards complimenting themselves on their fine work. They expressed regret, of course, over any embarrassment they may have caused Mr. Santos, but, hey, they conducted a thorough, quick, fair investigation and protected the integrity of the great....

Whatever. The Pogues had it right - Fuck the Stewards. Leigh and Hettel blew it big time. They need to get shit-canned, the sooner the better. Don't let your asses hit the door on the way out, boys. And the writer from the Herald, shit-can him too. He may not have been as bad as that dingbat the NY Times kept shuffling around their bureaus the way the Catholic Church shuffled child molesters from parish to parish, but this was shoddy journalism of the first order.

One wonders at the motivations of Mssrs. Carlson, Leigh, and Hettel. We'll never know for sure, of course. In Carlson's case, he probably was living out the credo of ol' Boss Tweed : "I seen my opportunities and I took 'em." He took a shot that he was onto something, figuring he could make a big name for himself...and he probably was already dreaming about the fat writing gigs coming his way when he saw his Big Exclusive Scoop on the front page of Saturday's paper. Ho ho. Good luck with that writng career, Frank, and, just to be safe, ya might wanna brush up on your data entry skills.

As for Leigh and Hettel, things get murkier. Some have suggested that, as part of the Kentucky racing establishment, they wet their pants with excitement as soon as they got the faintest hint that they might get a chance to appoint the royally-bred-in-Kentucky Empire Maker the "real" winner of their beloved Derby. Some have suggested that "the establishment" was none too happy to see a New York bred gelding owned by some "little people" win the biggest prize in American racing, and these stewards were merely the bagmen-in-waiting for the real heavies of the industry.

We have no evidence that this was their motivation in shooting their mouths off, and to accuse them of the above would be, well, shoddy. So we'll just have to throw up our hands and admit we really have no idea what these guys were thinking when they all but proclaimed Santos guilty right off the bat.

Anyway...another sordid chapter in the history of racing comes to a close. Look, we're not suggesting that this was the worst injustice perpetrated in the world this week, and we're not naive enough to think that there's never any skullduggery taking place at race tracks. Like any place where there's lots of dough to be made - the stock market being the most obvious example - there'll always be people out there trying to scam their way to a quick buck.

There wasn't any chicanery this time around, though. Just some dumb and irresponsible people who dragged an honest guy's name through the mud for their own weird and unknown reasons, tarnishing forever what should have been one of the high points in the lives of Santos and his family.

None of the bastards will probably suffer any consequences from their buffoonery. But they may get theirs someday anyway. Sometimes karma really does come back to bite a chunk outta your ass, as one of the scumbags responsible for publishing the smear letter against my dad learned so painfully, some thirteen years after he helped drag my dad's name through the mud.

This guy had long wanted to become city judge. Why, I dunno - it ain't like being the judge of my hometown ranks up there with a seat on the NY State Court of Appeals. But this guy wanted it. Bad. As bad as I wanted that drumset for Christmas back in sixth grade. He bided his time until one lucky day, the judge in office decided to retire or something. And so this guy went to work getting himself elected.

As it happened, three of the four Loatman kiddies were living out of town at college at the time of this election. Normally, we didn't bother voting while away from home unless the Governorship or Presidency were up for grabs, but my dear old dad went out of his way to get the three of us absentee ballots for this one, and he went out of his way to make sure we filled them out legally and on time. We were gonna stand up as one and be counted, no matter what.

As luck would have it, this election turned out to be an excruciatingly close one. On election night, it was too close to call. They did recounts, went to court, everything you can imagine.

In the end, it came down to a two vote margin.

And the scumbag ended up on the short end of the stick.

In other words, if the guy hadn't written the letter about my dad thirteen years earlier, my dad wouldn't have gone out of his way to get us all absentee ballots to vote against him. Without us screwing things up for him, he woulda had his coveted judgeship - by one vote.

It wasn't Instant Karma, but karma got him anyway.

Perhaps it'll do the same to the dolts who made this particular mess.

COMING SOON TO A COMPUTER NEAR YOU : PREAKNESS OBSERVATIONS.....MORE THOUGHTS ON BASEBALL IN NEW YORK....AND SO MUCH MORE......

KENTUCKY DERBY PREVIEW

Whaddya do with Empire Maker ?

That, in a nutshell, is the central question before those of us planning on
wagering on this year's Kentucky Derby.

On paper, this horse looks like the greatest thing since Entenmann's brought
out their cream-filled chocolate chip crumb cake. He has run faster than
every horse he'll face on Saturday. He toyed with his opponents in both the
Florida Derby and the Wood Memorial, winning both while barely exerting
himself. He hails from the barn of the greatest trainer in America right
now, Bobby Frankel. He has the services of the best rider in America, Jerry
Bailey. And his breeding ? Forget it. Speed, class, and stamina everywhere
you look.

Empire Maker will go to post as the shortest priced Derby favorite since
Arazi went postward at 4/5 odds in 1992, as well he should. He's simply the
best horse in the race - and probably by far.

And yet...oh, how the Derby Gods have laughed at favorites over the past
twenty five years. Time and again, we've seen can't-miss world beaters shit
the bed - and the rug on bedroom floor as well - on the first Saturday in
May. Just two years ago Point Given came to Louisville as the strongest
looking entrant I'd seen since 1989, and he finished a well-beaten fifth at
odds of less than 2-1. Exactly ONE fave has come through since 1979. ONE.

Then came the news Tuesday that The Big Horse suffered a bruised heel in his
last race, the Wood, and that the bruise has not yet healed. Frankel has
repeatedly issued assurances that this is no big deal and the horse will run
at 100 % tomorrow, but, really, do you want to eat 7/5 or so on a horse who
has to negotiate a mile and a quarter against fifteen opponents over a
rock-hard Churchill surface with a foot problem ? Like I said, he is
unquestionably the best horse in this field, and a win wouldn't surprise me
or anyone else, but in the end, I just think you have to try and beat this
horse.

The problem, though, is that the rest of field has more collective holes in
their form than a hunk o' swiss cheese. Once you get past the favorite, this
thing is a complete crapshoot. Most of the logical contenders have several
things going against them. Let's review the field, from the rail out, if
you're interested - and if you're not, just skip ahead to our brief baseball
section which follows.
:
- Supah Blitz - his only two wins came sprinting, he has never run a speed
figure remotely fast enough to win this race, his jockey and trainer have
never run in this race, and he worked out extremely fast the other day,
which could have sapped his energy. Could run 3rd or 4th at 50-1, but no
chance to win.

- Brancusi - actually sports a nice form pattern heading into this. Broke
his maiden first out this year, ran a very game 3rd when in traffic in the
San Felipe, and then ran 2nd to Peace Rules at Keeneland while pressing the
pace wide over a track that was insanely biased to speed on the rail.
Training well at Churchill and has the breeding to get the distance. Big,
big negative ; has never won a stakes race. No horse has won the Derby
without a stakes win since 1987 when...this horse's grandfather, Alysheba,
won. However, Alysheba did finish first in his stakes race before the Derby,
but was disqualified. After that, you have to go back to 1956 to find a
Derby winner without a previous stakes win. Would like him if he'd won a
stakes race.

- Atswhatimtalkinbout - a crappy name. Was big hype horse after he lost the
San Felipe by a nose after unleashing a huge rally through traffic, but shat
the bed in the Santa Anita Derby. Supposedly a skin rash was to blame for
that poor performance, and he's worked very well at Churchill lately.
However, he has three straight declining speed figures, which historically
is a big negative in this race. Like Brancusi, he's never won a stakes race.
He didn't race as a two year old, and no horse has won the Derby without a
start as a two year old since........1882. That's not a misprint.
Personally, I don't care how well he's working, to me it looks like his
trainer has tried to cram too much into too little time. He needs a
vacation, not the Derby. I'm tossing him.

- Peace Rules - a good name. Karma players beware : he is Bobby Frankel's
"other" horse, and "other" horses - e.g., a trainer's supposed
second-stringer - have had amazing success in recent Derbys, with
Charismatic (31-1), Real Quiet (8-1), and Thunder Gulch (25-1) all
outrunning their more fancied stablemates. As for his form, he's only raced
twice this year, meaning he'd be the 1st Derby winner since Sunny's Halo in
1983 to win the race after only two races as a three year old. He did,
however, run on December 28th, so I'm not sure he should be disregarded off
of that stat. In his last race, he rode that golden inside speed bias at
Keeneland to victory in the Blue Grass. Bloodlines suggest that this
distance might be beyond his reach.

- Funny Cide - Very nice form pattern this year. Came off the bench in
January and was faced with an impossible task at Gulfstream when he got
stuck in the 13-post for the Holy Bull, but he ran a creditable 5th. Ran 3rd
next out in the Louisiana Derby while re-rallying in the stretch after it
appeared that he'd be lucky to beat half the field. Last time he took on
Empire Maker and lost by a half-length, and tho Empire Maker was clearly not
all out to win the Wood, this horse still put up a good performance. Each
race this year has been significantly better than the last - that's a good
thing. On the downside, he's another with bloodlines that really make you
wonder if he can get this distance. He's also a gelding, and no gelding has
won the Derby since 1929. He's a New York bred, and no NY bred has won the
Derby. His only lifetime wins have come against fellow NY breds. All in all
a very tricky read for me. He will probably go off at very attractive odds,
and I'll probably have him on some of my tickets.

- Offlee Wild - Had my eye on him early this year when he posted an
excellent score in the Holy Bull at better than 27-1. In his next race he
had an outside post and ran into a lone front-runner over a speed-favoring
track, but he made a wide move into contention on the turn and finished a
decent fourth. At that point, people, I really thought I had my Derby horse.
Alas, he got sick after that race and missed several weeks of training time.
When he came back in the Blue Grass, I was just looking for some slight sign
of life, some hint that he might blossom on Derby Day. He didn't come
through, finishing a dull third while losing ground through the stretch. He
did gallop out past the first two horses after the race, which is sorta
positive....he worked in quick time this week, but he was drifting out
through the stretch, sorta bad sign, though the trainer claims he often does
this when working out. He has sick breeding, the best in this field,
probably...but there's an offlee lot of question marks surrounding him. Not
impossible, but as of press time I'm thinking he's another race away from a
top effort.

- Buddy Gil - Another gelding. He's won three in a row. The last of which
went about as fast as the Budweiser Clysedales. Has the right running style
for this, and has been very game, gutting out head and nose victories in his
last two. I'm just not sold on him. If he beats me, he beats me. I won't be
using him.

- Indian Express - He's trained by Bob Baffert, who along with D. Wayne
Lukas is a complete master at this race. But man...this horse started his
career in Panama last fall, winning twice. Off from October to March, he
came back and ran 4th in a sprint at Santa Anita. Off that, Baffert sent him
into the Santa Anita Derby - where he ran a shocking 2nd at 35-1 while
setting or pressing a hot pace all the way. He ran the other speed horses
into the ground, and, when Buddy Gil came at him, he fought back hard, and
lost the race by the bob of a head. Since coming to Churchill he's rattled
off two exceptionally good-looking workouts. He's bred to run long. Big
negatives : only four lifetime races, only two races this year, his only
stakes win came in an $8,000 stakes in Panama, and he'll be winging it on
the lead. Doubt he's your winner, but don't be surprised if he doesn't run
well enough to get a piece of the pie, and he'll be good value. Will be on
my triple tickets.

- Lone Star Sky - After he closed for fourth in the Louisiana Derby, against
a deep speed bias, I told the Big Cat that this thing is just the type to
clunk up for third or fourth in the Derby at about 50-1. But then he ran a
desultory, no-excuses 4th in the Illinois Derby last time out. Not sure he
wants to run this far. Trainer seems to be just taking a stab here - they
didn't decide to run in this until the middle of this week. Maybe 3rd or
4th - maybe.

- Domestic Dispute - Very mediocre form this year. He was in Bob Baffert's
barn until last weekend, when they sold him to some guys who just want good
seats for the Derby. Baffert does not unload live Derby horses a week before
the race. Toss with impunity.

- Empire Maker - see above.

- Eye of the Tiger - Ran 2nd to Scrimshaw in the Lexington last out in his
first attempt around two turns. Not bred to go this far. Could have turned
into a decent horse if his connections hadn't caught Derby fever. This
race'll ruin him, at least for awhile and maybe for good. Toss with
impunity.

- Ten Cents a Shine - If I could bet on someone to finish last, my money
would wind up here. D Wayne Lukas, for all his Derby mastery, has often
succumbed to Derby fever and run horses who don't have a fucking prayer. In
his last three races, this poor animal has run 6th by 24, 8th by 13, and 8th
by 43. Lukas claims the horse ran so poorly because of an impacted tooth,
and that he's "really come around" since having dental work done a couple of
weeks ago. Please - now we gotta start using the "dental work" angle in the
Derby ??? If this horse wins tomorrow, I will start betting names and silks
colors.

- Outta Here - mildly interesting as a huge longshot to run underneath. Beat
leading two year old Kafwain last summer, and capped off his juvenile season
with a closing win in a $500,000 race at someplace called Delta Downs.
Didn't race again until March, when he showed up in the United Emirates
Derby in Dubai. He ran 4th by 5, but, interestingly, he ran close to the
pace that day, after having been a closer his whole career. Horses who
changed running styles in their last race often improve a lot next out. His
breeding is a big negative, but will probably t'row 'im in dere somewheres.

- Ten Most Wanted - This year's "wise-guy" horse. Everybody loves him. He
won the Illinois Derby with a huge late run and got a big speed figure for
doing it. He's bred in the purple for this distance. He's trained
spectacularly over the track the last couple of weeks. What's not to like ?
He's the wise-guy horse. Every year, the public gets all hot and bothered
over a supposed dark horse, and every year said horse STBs. He scares me,
and at 8-1 or so I'd love him - but he'll probably be half that, and at that
price, he's no bargain.

- Scrimshaw - The karma play ? Hit this horse when he won the Lexington at
6-1, as did Dan-O. Dan-O wants to double down. I think the horse has a
chance, but he's got some knocks, most notably the fact that he's never run
in a mile and an eighth race, which is pretty much a prerequisite for Derby
success. He also got to ride Keeneland's golden rail last time, and a lot of
people are downgrading him because of that. However, he did get bumped
during the race and came out off the rail and ran four wide through the
stretch while running by the rest, so he can overcome trouble. Supposedly
his last workout wasn't so good. His speed figure last out was below par for
this. So was Proud Citizen's last year, and he came out of the Lexington and
ran 2nd in the Derby at 23-1. Lukas has run three Lexington winners in the
Derby, and one of them won, one ran 2nd, and the other ran 3rd - all at huge
prices. This horse may not win, but to me he looks like a solid shot to get
on the board.

I can't in good conscience recommend wagers to you. I haven't sat down with
the Form and really doped the race out - I'll be doing that tonight, with
some trusty Doritos by my side for company. All I can do at this point is
give anybody who's interested and thinking about wagering my preliminary
impressions of the field. So there they are. Do with it what you will. And
if you wager, good luck.

BASEBALL : EARLY IMPRESSIONS

"We'll get this thing turned around."

"All we need is a well-played game or two."

"We're not this bad. We'll start hitting."

"It's early. There's no need to panic. Once we start [hitting, pitching,
fielding, whatever], we'll be fine."

Well, despite the Yankees' early season excellence, the Mets are the real
New York story here in the opening stages of Baseball v.2003. Every day the
sports pages are filled with the sort of tripe I put in quotes above coming
out of the mouths of Mets players and management. And every day they come
out and hit a new low.

After last year's disaster, Studly Steve Phillips seemed like a dead general
manager walking, but he expertly managed to convince the Wilpons that the
blame for the mess belonged at the feet of Bobby V., and out the door Bobby
went.

Mets fans (and players) everywhere exulted, certain that once the
doom-and-gloom manager disappeared, so would the Mets' problems. It was all
about the atmosphere, went the thinking; Bobby created a tense, ugly mood in
the clubhouse, and this affected the players to the point where they just
couldn't produce. It wasn't that they were all hitting the downsides of
their careers at once, no, they just needed a calm and friendly and steady
guy like Art Howe to steer the ship.

Ho ho.

The Mets are an unmitigated, total fucking disaster, a $120 million
gold-plated piece of crap. If I was Studly Steve, I'd revert to his old
habit of doin' a lot of swimming in the secretarial pool, because his window
of opportunity is shutting fast. Nowhere else to go now, Stevie. Nowhere to
hide. Nobody else's feet you can the lay the blame at this time around. This
is all you, Steve. All you. You put this thing together, and soon you'll pay
the price. You went out and paid $120 million bucks for a team that, in a
nutshell, can't hit, can't pitch, and, Lord almighty, certainly can't field.

Last year they all slumped, and everyone thought, well, this year, they'll
come back. '02 was an aberration. Unfortunately, every guy who sucked last
year sucks just as bad this year, save Jeromy Burnitz, and he's hurt. So, ya
gotta believe, or at least wonder, if last year wasn't an aberration after
all. Maybe, just maybe, Piazza and Vaughn and Alomar and Burnitz and Cedeno
and Leiter and Benitez are all done.

And if that's the case, Lord help them. Phillips might want to think about
calling in the National Guard for home games if this keeps up, because I
wouldn't be surprised to pick up the paper some morning to read that Mets
fans had tarred and feathered him in the parking lot the night before.

It is still early in the season, too early to say for certain that they're
done. But as of now, off of what we've seen, they have to be considered the
current favorites to run Dead Fucking Last in the National League East this
year.

TGN.com's Super Bowl Post-Mortem: Think Long, Think Wrong....

Went back over my sent emails from before the big game, and I can't believe how strongly I fancied Tampa Bay in the immediate aftermath of the conference championship games. I'll spare you the copy-and-paste thing to prevent boredom, and because it smacks of trying cover my ass after I gave out Oakland, but let's just say I was about to take another ride down the road to Slathersville. Basically, in separate messages to Mr. Lupu and Lopes Jr., I laid out, in graphic terms, how and why the Bucs would leave the Raiders swirling like turds in the water of the toilet bowl of shame.

Ah, but me and my fucking ego...there is no crying in baseball, they say, and they shouldn't be any ego in handicapping. In an effort to show the world how goddamn smart I really am, I deserted sound analysis in favor of some weird sort of fact-less karmic handicapping. Round about last Thursday I thought I detected a whiff of Tampa Bay turning into the "wise-guy", "obvious" play, and once that happened I degenerated into coming up with all sorts of lame reasons (which we will not bother to reprise here) why Oakland would win.

They didn't, of course. The old bastards never had a chance. The media touted the matchup pitting Oak's # 1 offense versus TB's # 1 defense as a pigskin version of the Shootout at the OK Corral, but it ended up more like Custer v. The Natives. Or maybe even the Christians v. the Lions. The game was clearly slipping away from Oakland by the time the first quarter ended, and by halftime all but the most devoted Raider fan knew that Tampa had already put the toe tags on Gannon and the boys.

Gannon's display on Sunday made our boy Chad Pennington's performance a couple of weeks ago look like a textbook display of grace under pressure. He played the way you might imagine Lawrence Welk playing - if Welk was drunk, and taking snaps with a conductor's baton in his left hand. The Bucs beat on him like they were Hell's Angels. I kept waiting for Warren Sapp or Simeon Rice to rip Gannon's head off and shit down his neck. They blanketed his receivers, they laughed at his stupid little pump fakes, they stuffed his running backs...oh, wait. Did the Raiders even bother to call a running play in Sunday ? I honestly can't remember.

They picked off Gannon five times. The same Gannon who threw ten interceptions this year - in roughly 620 passing attempts. It was a defensive performance for the ages, folks - the best I've ever seen in a Super Bowl. Yes, da Bears of 86 held the Patsies to minus yards in the first half, and yes, the Ravens mercilessly sucked the life out of the Giants a couple of years ago. But those defenses faced NOTHING like the juggernaut that Oakland brought to the field on Sunday. Yeah, they gave up a couple of garbage-time TDs, but the train had long since left the station by then.

As stunning as TB's defense was, Oakland's was miserable, and the weakness of their d was what had us all hot and bothered over the Bucs' chances early last week. As I said to someone, when I watched Eddie "2.7 Yards Per Carry" George of the Titans rip off huge chunks of yardage in the AFC championship game, I suspected the Old Men in Silver and Black might be in big trouble.

So there you have it. The game was about defenses. The greatness of Tampa Bay's, and the shoddiness of Oakland's. A great defense will almost always defeat a great offense. When a great defense matches up against a terrible defense, well, you get what we saw on Sunday: just another in a long line of Super Bowl blowouts.

Well, at least I didn't slather it on. (And, in my feeble defense, my prediction of over 43 1/2 won with ease). I did read online that Hunter S. Thompson (the S now stands for Slather, by the way) did just that when predicting that Oakland would win with ease. Just how far did he go? Apparently he wrote that he'd appear on television with live leeches on his head if the Raiders somehow lost The Big One. Check your local listings for details, but rumor has it he is leaning toward going on the Conan O'Brian show to do his penance.

And that's it for the 2002 NFL season. Kinda too-bad that such an unpredictable season had to end with such a desultory final game, but hey, we had a good time.

Only 57 days until the Kentucky Derby.......

The Gambling Network's SHORT AND UNSWEET STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

My fellow Americans,

Odds that war with Iraq will start within the next 30 days : 8/5 for.

Odds that Saddam Hussein will still be in power next year at this time : 6/5 for.

Over/under on number of Iraqi civilians who will be killed or maimed in the war : 75,000.

Odds that any major news network will have the balls to spend more than six seconds reporting on above: 3/5 against.

Odds that more than 12 % of US citizens will give a shit : 6/5 against.

Odds that abortion will be a federal felony punishable by up to fifteen years in federal prison by 2010: 2-1 for.

Odds that Bush tax giveaway will spell the end of either Social Security and/or Medicaid by 2015: 4-1 for.

Odds that the Total Information Awareness Project will result in large-scale random and/or baseless imprisonments by 2009: 6/5 for.

Odds that more than 12 % of American public will ever believe the TIAP is actually sinister: 1/9 against.

Odds that George Will will continue to rant about "radical college professors" while writing absolutely nothing about corporate scandals this year: 2/5 for.

Ante up.......